People vs Cancer

The hardest thing about having cancer or surving cancer is telling people about it. I'll never forget after my diagnosis having to tell family and friend that I had cancer. The word itself so darn scary and the death sentence and it seems to automatically carry. There is an old 80's movie, "St. Elmos Fire," where a character's mother whispers words she finds personally offensive, she mentions a friend's daughter has (whisper)cancer.

It's the subject that some people avoid once they find out and others can't support you enough. I remember calling to my workplace after my diagnosis and being in tears explaining how I had Kidney Cancer and I needed find out out about taking sick leave. I then, left a tear filled, sobbing 3 minute message on my supervisor's voicemail. He called me back later that day and he had not yet heard it yet and I told him just to delete it. By that time, I had calmed down and had time to deal with it(as much as you can deal with it.)

I had friends and relatives that called me right away as soon as they heard and others that could not face me. I tried not to take this personally, because cancer scares the hell outta people...I know it did me. I learned of other cancer survivors, like my coworker and friend Lee. As soon as she heard my diagnosis, she sent me the nicest supportive letter, which I still have. Her words took me from a dim place to a bright place full of hope...My friends Scarlet & Terri came by to check on me and we talked and laughed and that too my cancer easier to swallow.

After my kidney was removed and I was healing and considered a Cancer Survivor at that point, people still have mixed reactions. When I went back to work, I'll never forget a coworker practically raising her voice at me when I told her that I had never had to have to chemo. She was trying to second guess my urologist. I was comfortable with my specialist and my decision to remove my kidney but to someone who had not been in my shoes, she was adamant that I needed chemotherapy. Everyone's a doctor what can i say? lol She meant well I am sure...

Even when I tell people today that I am a survivor...They are shocked...I think it makes people realize that cancer can touch anyone. (Even a 44 year old, married, working mom!) But it also means that you can survive cancer and being a walking billboard for that...Doesn't scare me at all!

Reflections of Life

First of all, just want to apologize for the long delay between blogs. The McDaniel household has been as busy as usual in preparing for back to school. Also, a couple of tragedies...My dear friend Scarlet lost her Mother to a stroke and a fellow coworker passed this week from stage 4 cancer. God bless both families....

Growing up, our family never really talked about death... My family was in a car accident(hit by a drunk driver)when I was 4 and my 5 year old brother died...But we never talked about it. I remember the accident, the ambulance ride, the funeral, like it was yesterday...I don't have a fear of death but let's just say...I'm not looking forward to it...

I am a person that enjoys life for the most part. My husband and kids drive me a lil crazy sometimes but like everyone else, I roll with the punches. When I was diagnosed all the normal daily stress seem to fade away...All I could think is , I am not ready to give this up yet! One of my sons once told me that I couldn't die because I was the glue that held our family together. I'll never forget the night before my surgery, couldn't sleep because I was worried about my husband and kids if I didn't make it. Who would balance the checkbook? Who would vacuum under the couch cushions? Who would make sure my boys didn't try to wear the same clothes everyday? Who would make the beds? Water the plants? I know, seems silly now but just the same I was worried. I remember writing the letter everyone writes to their family before a surgery...Short but sweet-How much I loved them and always will and advised my husband he could not marry a Hooters waitress as his next wife.lol

I never worry now about death, just enjoy life more...I have talked to my kids about death but never wanted to scare them about it or make them dwell on it...Your life can change in an instant and I have instilled that in them both, because time is something you can't get back. I have faith in my my life and not just religious faith but faith in life. Life really is what you make of it...

Cancer's Emotional Rollercoaster

As if life doesn't throw you enough stress, when you are diagnosed with kidney cancer just tops the stress chart! The minute my urologist confirmed that I did indeed have kidney cancer, my life changed forever. I will never forget the feeling I felt...It felt like someone punched me in the stomach and I couldn't breathe. I was staring straight at my urologist and he must have seen the shock in my eyes, he immediately said he would give me and my husband a few minutes...My husband was equally shaken. He told me he felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under him. He was terrified he was going to lose me. It was the for worse of the better or worse scenario from our marriage vows.

The drive home from the urologist office was a tearfest...It was so hard to comprehend that I had kidney cancer at age 40. I decided that day that being 40 offically sucked lol. I remember it was a snowy day and when we got home it was almost time for ours boys to get home from school. The phone rang just as the boys walked in...It was our neighbor Nancy wanting us to know the boys had been in a friendly snowball fight with her son and he was crying because he got some snow in his eye...I was so upset that all I could think of was, "Tell him to suck it up because I have cancer!" lol Of course I didn't say that, I apologized with my voice shaking and sent the boys down to her house to apologize to her son.

Cancer invokes many emotions...I remember after my surgery, I had sent my husband home for the night to get some sleep and I just sat in my hospital bed and just cried...Sometimes a good cry really does help! I remember looking across the hall and a lil old lady in her room must have seen me because she gave a little supportive wave. Thank God for good people...

I remember my friends Scarlet & Charlotte came to visit me after my surgery. It was so nice to see them both and to talk about something else other than my surgery. Cancer scares alot people but Scarlet and Charlotte were both there to support me and help me get through it all, I could not ask for better friends. Cancer equally shook my husband and kids. My husband was my rock through it all and the kids reminded me every day that cancer was not going to win this battle.

Even today almost 4 years later, I have my moments...When Farrah Faucett was in her late stages of cancer and showed her public struggle on tv...I cried like a baby. When Patrick Swayze lost his brave battle with cancer, again waterworks. There was a guy at work that passed away after a long battle with a brain tumor and I went home and cried. Once you have had cancer it just seems so personal....

I wish I could say there was a formula to get through it all but of course there isn't...I can say that staying positive helps and even keeping a sense of humor helps. As crazy as that seems, it is true. When the urologist told me it was time to wheel me in for my surgery, I looked at him and said, "Let's get this party started." I think that is the only time before my surgery I had ever seen him smile...After my surgery, I was in recovery for about 4 hours because the hospital was so full they were waiting on a empty bed. The nurse told me they had a bed in the maternity ward and I remember saying, "Can I get a quieter location please?" lol "No offense...But been there, done that!" I remember my sons visiting me and thinking how cool the whole IV thing was! They were completely in awe of the morphine drip fed to me through a small tube! I think if they could have taken me to Show & Tell at school, they would have! lol

Lastly, I now go every December for my annual CATSCAN to check for any reoccurence. I hope I can send out the text message I did last year every year-Kim 3 Cancer 0.