How Cancer Changed me...

In December, it will be 4 years since I was diagnosed and my right kidney was removed and I have been cancer -free since(knock on wood.) I have been sitting here thinking of the blessings and changes in my life since I have been told I was cancer-free.

I appreciate the times I have with my family so much more and the milestones with my kids just seem that much more special to me. My sons are now 14 & 16 now and are such young men but I fear have had to grow up a little faster than most because of cancer. They are more aware of what can happen when someone is diagnosed and that their Mom was one of the lucky ones.

I never, ever take my health for granted...Before I was diagnosed, I was in perfect health...I had never even had a surgery before. It just goes to show that kidney cancer can happen to anyone. It did not run in my family...No cancer did...I had the occasional bronchitis and migraines but that was about it...Now I keep my doctors in the loop, no matter what!

The most amazing thing I think I learned from cancer is the friends that stepped up to support me and my amazing family that kept giving me endless hope. The phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff," took a whole new meaning! In the past 4 years I have reached out to long lost friends(via facebook), reestablished a relationship with my father.(We hadn't spoken for 16 years-I know-crazy right?) So life really is too short to waste...None of us really know how long we are here for...

In December, I go back to my Urologist for a CATSCAN and a chest Xray to make sure no reoccurence for another year. I have to say my heart skips a beat until I get the results. A coworker of mine is currently facing the battle of her life with breast cancer and chemotherapy. I don't know her well but I have been praying for her daily because I know the havoc cancer can bring to your life and spirit. God bless her and her family and anyone else going through this diagnosis.

People vs Cancer

The hardest thing about having cancer or surving cancer is telling people about it. I'll never forget after my diagnosis having to tell family and friend that I had cancer. The word itself so darn scary and the death sentence and it seems to automatically carry. There is an old 80's movie, "St. Elmos Fire," where a character's mother whispers words she finds personally offensive, she mentions a friend's daughter has (whisper)cancer.

It's the subject that some people avoid once they find out and others can't support you enough. I remember calling to my workplace after my diagnosis and being in tears explaining how I had Kidney Cancer and I needed find out out about taking sick leave. I then, left a tear filled, sobbing 3 minute message on my supervisor's voicemail. He called me back later that day and he had not yet heard it yet and I told him just to delete it. By that time, I had calmed down and had time to deal with it(as much as you can deal with it.)

I had friends and relatives that called me right away as soon as they heard and others that could not face me. I tried not to take this personally, because cancer scares the hell outta people...I know it did me. I learned of other cancer survivors, like my coworker and friend Lee. As soon as she heard my diagnosis, she sent me the nicest supportive letter, which I still have. Her words took me from a dim place to a bright place full of hope...My friends Scarlet & Terri came by to check on me and we talked and laughed and that too my cancer easier to swallow.

After my kidney was removed and I was healing and considered a Cancer Survivor at that point, people still have mixed reactions. When I went back to work, I'll never forget a coworker practically raising her voice at me when I told her that I had never had to have to chemo. She was trying to second guess my urologist. I was comfortable with my specialist and my decision to remove my kidney but to someone who had not been in my shoes, she was adamant that I needed chemotherapy. Everyone's a doctor what can i say? lol She meant well I am sure...

Even when I tell people today that I am a survivor...They are shocked...I think it makes people realize that cancer can touch anyone. (Even a 44 year old, married, working mom!) But it also means that you can survive cancer and being a walking billboard for that...Doesn't scare me at all!

Reflections of Life

First of all, just want to apologize for the long delay between blogs. The McDaniel household has been as busy as usual in preparing for back to school. Also, a couple of tragedies...My dear friend Scarlet lost her Mother to a stroke and a fellow coworker passed this week from stage 4 cancer. God bless both families....

Growing up, our family never really talked about death... My family was in a car accident(hit by a drunk driver)when I was 4 and my 5 year old brother died...But we never talked about it. I remember the accident, the ambulance ride, the funeral, like it was yesterday...I don't have a fear of death but let's just say...I'm not looking forward to it...

I am a person that enjoys life for the most part. My husband and kids drive me a lil crazy sometimes but like everyone else, I roll with the punches. When I was diagnosed all the normal daily stress seem to fade away...All I could think is , I am not ready to give this up yet! One of my sons once told me that I couldn't die because I was the glue that held our family together. I'll never forget the night before my surgery, couldn't sleep because I was worried about my husband and kids if I didn't make it. Who would balance the checkbook? Who would vacuum under the couch cushions? Who would make sure my boys didn't try to wear the same clothes everyday? Who would make the beds? Water the plants? I know, seems silly now but just the same I was worried. I remember writing the letter everyone writes to their family before a surgery...Short but sweet-How much I loved them and always will and advised my husband he could not marry a Hooters waitress as his next wife.lol

I never worry now about death, just enjoy life more...I have talked to my kids about death but never wanted to scare them about it or make them dwell on it...Your life can change in an instant and I have instilled that in them both, because time is something you can't get back. I have faith in my my life and not just religious faith but faith in life. Life really is what you make of it...

Cancer's Emotional Rollercoaster

As if life doesn't throw you enough stress, when you are diagnosed with kidney cancer just tops the stress chart! The minute my urologist confirmed that I did indeed have kidney cancer, my life changed forever. I will never forget the feeling I felt...It felt like someone punched me in the stomach and I couldn't breathe. I was staring straight at my urologist and he must have seen the shock in my eyes, he immediately said he would give me and my husband a few minutes...My husband was equally shaken. He told me he felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under him. He was terrified he was going to lose me. It was the for worse of the better or worse scenario from our marriage vows.

The drive home from the urologist office was a tearfest...It was so hard to comprehend that I had kidney cancer at age 40. I decided that day that being 40 offically sucked lol. I remember it was a snowy day and when we got home it was almost time for ours boys to get home from school. The phone rang just as the boys walked in...It was our neighbor Nancy wanting us to know the boys had been in a friendly snowball fight with her son and he was crying because he got some snow in his eye...I was so upset that all I could think of was, "Tell him to suck it up because I have cancer!" lol Of course I didn't say that, I apologized with my voice shaking and sent the boys down to her house to apologize to her son.

Cancer invokes many emotions...I remember after my surgery, I had sent my husband home for the night to get some sleep and I just sat in my hospital bed and just cried...Sometimes a good cry really does help! I remember looking across the hall and a lil old lady in her room must have seen me because she gave a little supportive wave. Thank God for good people...

I remember my friends Scarlet & Charlotte came to visit me after my surgery. It was so nice to see them both and to talk about something else other than my surgery. Cancer scares alot people but Scarlet and Charlotte were both there to support me and help me get through it all, I could not ask for better friends. Cancer equally shook my husband and kids. My husband was my rock through it all and the kids reminded me every day that cancer was not going to win this battle.

Even today almost 4 years later, I have my moments...When Farrah Faucett was in her late stages of cancer and showed her public struggle on tv...I cried like a baby. When Patrick Swayze lost his brave battle with cancer, again waterworks. There was a guy at work that passed away after a long battle with a brain tumor and I went home and cried. Once you have had cancer it just seems so personal....

I wish I could say there was a formula to get through it all but of course there isn't...I can say that staying positive helps and even keeping a sense of humor helps. As crazy as that seems, it is true. When the urologist told me it was time to wheel me in for my surgery, I looked at him and said, "Let's get this party started." I think that is the only time before my surgery I had ever seen him smile...After my surgery, I was in recovery for about 4 hours because the hospital was so full they were waiting on a empty bed. The nurse told me they had a bed in the maternity ward and I remember saying, "Can I get a quieter location please?" lol "No offense...But been there, done that!" I remember my sons visiting me and thinking how cool the whole IV thing was! They were completely in awe of the morphine drip fed to me through a small tube! I think if they could have taken me to Show & Tell at school, they would have! lol

Lastly, I now go every December for my annual CATSCAN to check for any reoccurence. I hope I can send out the text message I did last year every year-Kim 3 Cancer 0.

Guardian Angel

I have always been a canine lover as far back as I can remember. ( No offense to the feline population) Dogs just seem more dependent on you and more loyal than cats. I found out just how true this was from diagnosis to recovery.

We have 2 yorkies; Spencer, a male now 13 and Sophie; a female age 8. Spencer although a loving dog, not a nurturer. I once had a horrendous migraine and was lying in the bathroom floor, Spencer walked by and I called out for him and he looked at me, gave me a quick glance like, "You're good!" He then preceded to walk down the hallway. So much for nurturing...Then down the hallway comes Sophie. She took one look at me laying there and rushed to my aid! So Sophie...This blog is for you...

After my diagnosis, Sophie knew something was up because I was crying constantly and staying around home. She never left my side. The morning of my surgery, I was up extremely early just to mentally prepare myself and I wanted to complete a mental list I had in my mind of stuff to be done before my surgery. Sophie stayed at my heels all morning and there was a sadness and concern in her big brown eyes. When we left for the hospital that morning, we backed out of the garage and there standing in out glass storm door was lil Sophie. I'll never forget how sweet she looked as we were pulling away. I was in the hospital fr 2 1/2 days and my sons tell me that Sophie never left that door(Except when she had to!) until I came home. When I came home, there she was still standing there at the door...When I got into bed she snuggled up beside me and let out a loud sigh...

The weeks I was home to recover were alot easier because of Sophie & Spencer. The unconditional love they gave and the pure comfort and unknowing support was priceless. It made me feel like no matter what I could make it...With a little help from my friends.

The C Word

I had always heard the word cancer, but had always associated it with an elderly person. Now that word was part of my life forever. When you hear the word cancer, the first thought is that you are going to die. I think that was the hardest part of my diagnosis with kidney cancer. Immediately, I thought of missing my boys grow up to be spectacular adults and raise their own families and realize their dreams. This for a mom is heartbreaking...I received a letter from a friend at work(Thank you Lee!) after I was diagnosed that seem to make me feel better. She wrote that it was okay to be sad and okay to be really mad...but you can survive this! I was extremely sad and really mad but to know that she knew how I was feeling made me feel better. Lee too, is a cancer survivor, and her words she wrote kept me going up to and after my kidney was removed.

After my surgery, I had many teary moments worrying about the cancer invading my other kidney. I think this will always be a fear of mine but I no longer let it rule my life. The reason I named this blog, The One Kidney Mom, is because after the surgery that became a nickname in my house. My husband and kids affectionately tagged me that, and it has stuck with me since. I hope anyone reading this blog will take away from this that you can have or had cancer but it doesn't define who you are and when you life will end. Noone knows how much time they have here...So don't spend you time thinking this is the end, it actually is a new beginnning.

There are great websites now to help anyone diagnosed with Kidney Cancer or if you have a loved one with this diagnosis. Just to name a couple; on Facebook-Kidney Cancer Association page and on the web go to kidneycancerwarriors.com. There is support links and important info on each.

Now instead of that c word...I concentrate on the s word-SURVIVAL!

From the Start...

Hello! Welcome to my blog! The reason I am starting this blog is to give hope, support and understanding to others who have been diagnosed with kidney cancer, or have a loved one who has, or are a fellow kidney cancer survivor. My name is Kim, I am married with 2 teen boys and work fulltime at a national telecom company. I am a 4 year kidney cancer survivor and this is my story...It started on November 30th, 2006, I was at my workplace and suddenly had sharp abdominal pains. The pain was so intense that I was doubled over and then felt sick at my stomach. I went home early fearing I just had a virus but later in the evening I felt worse. My husband took me to the emergency room and about an hour later was released. The doctor there felt it too was a virus but advised me to contact my personal physician if I did not feel better by Monday. I didn't feel better by Monday, so I made an appointment to see my doctor that morning. Initially, he thought it might be my appendix so he ordered a CATSCAN of my abdominal area. I went to the lab to have this done and after the labtech took the scan, she left to make sure she had a clear scan. I should have known something was up when she was gone almost 20 minutes and came back and told me abruptly that she would get the scan to my physician ASAP. I thought she was just having a bad day...Little did I know it was going to be me who was going to have the bad day...My physician called my house and my youngest son(then 10)answered the phone and I then grabbed our bedroom phone. He cut to the chase...He apologized for not telling me face to face but wanted me to know ASAP what was going on. It seems my appendix was fine but they discovered an incidental finding. There was mass on my right kidney and he referred me to a urologist the next day. He also said I probably did have a virus and that virus probably saved my life because the early stages of kidney cancer really have no physical or visual signs. As I hungup from that call, my 10 year old came in crying...He had never hungup the other phone...He had heard my diagnosis and wanted to know if I was going to be alright and I tried to comfort him but I too, was so scared. The next day, my husband & I met with my urologist who viewed my scan and said that indeed there was a 1 inch tumor on my right kidney and that to prevent it from spreading, would have to be removed VERY soon. He said chemo would not be needed as long as it was the early stages and it had not spread. He scheduled my surgery for the next week. My husband & I cried all the way home. When we came home, we pulled ourselves together enough to try to tell the boys in the calmest way possible what was going on. My youngest son(loves science)wanted to know if he could have my kidney after it was removed? lol That was a much needed laugh after a day of crying. The next week was hell, telling everyone, making arrangements for help with the boys while I was in the hospital, trying to come to terms that I had cancer. The date of my surgery came and went smooth but the day following my surgery, my urologist said he wanted a chest xray. Before I had been admitted to the hospital, my urologist had requested blood tests, chest xrays, etc. He had seen something on those xrays that he feared was a mass on my chest. I was a basketcase...Here I had made it through the surgery to remove this tumor and now he was telling me that there may be more...The xrays came back fine. It was an enlarged blood vessel and not a tumor. Thank God! I went home the next day to recover. Four years later...no reoccurences(knock on wood)but still have emotional moments. I thank God for my husband, my sons, my friends, and family that stood by me through it all. I never take my health for granted anymore and if you are reading this please at least take that away from this if nothing else...